A Polarizing Issue

You and I are not going to agree on everything.

[What?]

You may feel very strongly about some random political issue that I, before you mentioned it, had always assumed was the name of a store in the mall. "Proposition 28? I think that's between the Urban Outfitters and the Nuts on Clark."

[A possible disagreement]

You and I will disagree on a favorite band. I probably won't ever tell you that your musical idols are tone deaf losers (PROBABLY) but, let's face it, if your favorite band isn't Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia playing the huge piano at the toy store in the movie "Big," you're totally fucking wrong.

[A respectful disagreement]

You and I might disagree on fashion. I think that this shirt matches these pants but I had three nice ladies approach me on separate occasions today to inform me that the pants, in fact, did not match the shirt. It's nice to know that I'm approachable though...hags.

[They were all wrong]

You might not realize it, but during my meetings, I tend to be the one who speaks. The "speaker," if you will. (I prefer "commander of tidings both awesome and informational"). Sometimes, I take people out to dinner. The dinner meetings are great. Loose schedules and a few drinks have proven to lead to extremely productive meetings. I have eaten at some nice restaurants and have had some very tasty beverages.

[But lunch meetings suck]

You and I will have a productive encounter whether it be at dinner, in a conference room, on an airplane, or during lunch at Applebee's. It's the lunch meeting that I do not enjoy as much as the others. Everyone has to get back to the office, right? Tighter schedules and no drinks make the meeting's effectiveness more challenging. The bill will come and I'll glance down to see my grilled chicken salad (with croutons and dressing on the side) mostly untouched. I haven't eaten my lunch for a few reasons: I've been talking most of the time, I didn't even want the stupid salad, and the dude sitting across from me lets fly a double dose of boneless buffalo wing spittle onto my plate each time he says the word "pharmacy." (It tends to come up in conversation).

[Potential disagreement]

You might think I'm being overly irrational and picky. You might think that the phrase "agree to disagree" is something acceptable to say...ever. You might think that this shirt clashes with these pants.

[Whatever. Stop being such a judgemental dork.]

Emergency Exit Row Seats

I walked down the jet bridge and glanced down at my ticket to double-check my seat assignment. *10D Exit* I shuffled to my seat over the wing, stowed my carry-on and claimed my spot next to a friendly, smiling couple. After a quick greeting, they informed me that they were flying to Denver to celebrate their 65^th wedding anniversary. He was 90 and she was 89 years old. 

I smiled and congratulated them but my initial thought was not of admiration, but of: “They are seated in an exit row!! How in the hell are they going to assist during an emergency?!” 

I don’t dislike old people, I just don’t think they should be responsible for roughly 1/6^th of the lives on the plane in the event of an emergency as this particular aircraft had 6 emergency exits. 

People seated in the exit row are now required to verbally confirm that they are able to assist other passengers should the laws of physics decide to pull a fast one on the 737 and cause the jet to plummet from the sky and end up surrounded by twisted, burning shards of metal. (Rethinking flying in flip-flops?) The flight attendant went through her this-is-what-you-do-if-you-survive-the-fiery-crash spiel.  She then turned to the village elders as they were paging through the Sky Mall in amazement of the upside-down tomato garden and asked if they were “Ready, willing and able to assist in the time of an emergency.” They simultaneously responded, “Absolutely!” ABSOLUTELY?!  Liars!!! I seriously doubt that either of them could lift a 40 pound door and THROW it clear of the wing.

The adorable airline employee might as well have asked, “Are you able to do a handstand while dribbling a basketball and updating your facebook status?” ...because no. They wouldn't be able to do that.