The end of days

"O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

Maybe Nostradamus predicted this. Maybe the Mayans were right. Maybe the first of the Seven Seals has been broken and the White Horseman is upon us. Maybe the great titan, Atlas, has grown tired and will toss Earth aside like that time you were helping your buddy move and he told you, "Man, I forgot to hit the ATM, would you mind grabbing some beer?" and you unshouldered the box labeled "collectibles" into the hot tub.

Whether the Frenchman's, Mayan's, Christian's, Greek's or any other definition of the apocalypse fits your beliefs, I might have overheard the beginning: "O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

The flight from Denver to Omaha on a Monday morning is usually filled with frequent business travelers and a few families heading home. It was in this few that I discovered the person that I have feared meeting. As I waited for the gate agent to start boarding the flight, not unexpectedly, several people began crowding the boarding area, assuming their tickets declaring "seating area 4" meant they would board before seating area 1. In the middle of this particular group, seemingly indifferent to her surroundings, was Kate.

Wearing skinny jeans, blue sunglasses and a pink Ramones t-shirt, Kate was the kind of person that owns a Justin Bieber poster and has no idea that Sheena is a punk rocker. She stood, surrounded by her parents and two younger brothers, talking on her bedazzled iphone and shifting her weight from one Ugg to the other. Teenage Kate spoke to her dad with perpetually rolling eyes and focused all of her attention on the person on the other end of her 3G connection. She impatiently stared at the ceiling and flicked her fingernails as the person on the other end told a story. When the tale ended, she responded, "O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

Kate neither said this ironically nor sarcastically. And I totally get the "O-M-G" thing. I've watched a total of 6 minutes and 23 seconds of Gossip Girl and know that this is sort of normal...infuriatingly annoying, but normal. However, she was genuinely amused by the story. Instead of giving the courtesy laugh ("hahahaha...'working hard or hardly working.' Funny every time, cubicle neighbor"), she said "L-O-L."  Is this necessary?

I understand abbreviation. I abbreviate my own name...awesomely. Many years ago, while working together at Cinco Ranch Golf Course, my friend Jay told me, "Brevity is key." He's right, but Kate is a nimrod. Is she over-abbreviating? Where do we draw the line?

Kate's conversation might just mark the beginning of the end. But maybe not. I think if we start under-abbreviating, it could counteract her atrocities.

Semicolon, close parenthesis.

How to travel without pissing everyone off

Along with the holiday season comes crowded airports, full flights and hotels at capacity. This handy reference is meant to assist those that don't travel often.

Arriving at the airport:

• Just pick a parking spot. There is no need to circle the lot several times in hopes that a sacred parking spot will appear like the Room of Requirement (this is a good tip for life in general).
• If you're checking a bag, don't be shocked and make a scene if your bag exceeds the weight limit (50 pounds) and you are required to pay an additional fee. You are the one that over packed. Deal with it.

Security:

• Yep. The line is long. Deal with it.
• While waiting in line, begin putting your cell phone, watch, keys and change into your carry-on. This will save you some time once you reach the scanner. The line is still long. We get it. Get over it.
• Have your ID and boarding pass ready to show the TSA agent. Don't fumble around looking for things once you reach the front of the line. This is not a surprise inspection.
• Once you reach the conveyor belt:
• Take off your shoes. Yes. Take off your shoes. This has been a rule since 2001. Don't act shocked.
• You may place your shoes directly on the belt. Your shoes do NOT need their own bin.
• Your bag does NOT need its own bin.
• Your laptop goes into a bin BY ITSELF.
• If you realize that you accidentally brought a water bottle, throw it away. Don't hold up the line to drink the rest of it before you pass through

At the gate:

• Check your ticket. You're in seating area 3. They just called seating area 1. Stop standing around the gate blocking other passengers.
• Don't be shocked if someone tries to get by you to get on the plane. They aren't being rude, you are in the way.

On the plane:

• The armrest goes down. Use the armrest if you want. I don't give a shit, but the armrest definitely goes down. It helps establish an official boundary of your sacred 17.2" of seat width.
• Wearing headphones or reading a book are the official symbols of "do not talk to me." If the person next to you is reading a book, don't grin like an idiot and say, "Business or pleasure?"
• The flight attendant is right. I don't care if you think the flight attendant is being an asshole, put your seat up for takeoff. I'm behind you and the slightest bump will drive my forehead into the back of your skull...something that I imagine would be unpleasant for both of us.
• Yes, you have every right to recline your seat and it is understood. However, before you press the button and slam your seat back to its full 3" decline position, please look behind you. The guy in the seat behind you might be on his laptop and a quick warning could prevent you from snapping his monitor.
• Alcoholic beverages cost money. They aren't as cheap on the plane as they are at the bar by your house. We get it. Please get over it.
• A small child just boarded the plane. There is no need to elbow your neighbor, sigh loudly and say, "Ugh! Every time!" Chances are, you won't even notice the child.
• A baby is crying on the plane. Get over it. Whining about it, spinning around in your seat to locate the kid and loudly whispering, "Shut that baby up!" is much more annoying than the baby just being a baby. 

Retrieving luggage:

• It takes a while. Get over it.
• If you see your bag on the carousel, there is no need to shove your way closer to it. Your bag will miraculously make it to you.

At the hotel:

• There is someone in the next room and, while it may be unintentional, they can hear you. I don't know, maybe that's why you were being so loud.
• Don't use the in-room coffee maker. It has most likely been used as a urine receptacle at some point.

That's it. Travel safe! Oh, and put the map away. You look like an idiot.

Emergency Exit Row Seats

I walked down the jet bridge and glanced down at my ticket to double-check my seat assignment. *10D Exit* I shuffled to my seat over the wing, stowed my carry-on and claimed my spot next to a friendly, smiling couple. After a quick greeting, they informed me that they were flying to Denver to celebrate their 65^th wedding anniversary. He was 90 and she was 89 years old. 

I smiled and congratulated them but my initial thought was not of admiration, but of: “They are seated in an exit row!! How in the hell are they going to assist during an emergency?!” 

I don’t dislike old people, I just don’t think they should be responsible for roughly 1/6^th of the lives on the plane in the event of an emergency as this particular aircraft had 6 emergency exits. 

People seated in the exit row are now required to verbally confirm that they are able to assist other passengers should the laws of physics decide to pull a fast one on the 737 and cause the jet to plummet from the sky and end up surrounded by twisted, burning shards of metal. (Rethinking flying in flip-flops?) The flight attendant went through her this-is-what-you-do-if-you-survive-the-fiery-crash spiel.  She then turned to the village elders as they were paging through the Sky Mall in amazement of the upside-down tomato garden and asked if they were “Ready, willing and able to assist in the time of an emergency.” They simultaneously responded, “Absolutely!” ABSOLUTELY?!  Liars!!! I seriously doubt that either of them could lift a 40 pound door and THROW it clear of the wing.

The adorable airline employee might as well have asked, “Are you able to do a handstand while dribbling a basketball and updating your facebook status?” ...because no. They wouldn't be able to do that.