Well, my evil brethren and sistren, I believe we’re ready.” Said Captain Brett “Darnell” Stanilka said to the team in black. The rest of the team howled with laughter.
The plan: ruin as many people’s days as possible. The entire day was planned to the millisecond like a riverdance of fucking evil. Jeff “Toaster Oven” Evans and Emily “The girl from The Snug’s homepage” Berman arrived at the Rockies’ opening day. Here is where the plan really began to unfold. First, they drank heavily, all the while feigning interest in the game. But, get this, they didn’t actually care about the outcome! Oh man, were people pissed to hear that. Fan’s days: ruined. Evans checked his demonic phone’s clock (fashioned out of brimstone and other outdated technology) and saw that it was time to depart for the kickball grounds. Berman prepared herself for the next step in the plan.
As Jeff set out for kickball, Emily denied a cab driver the chance to continue rubbing her foot. Cabbie’s day: ruined.
At the Cuernavaca Park, Captain Brett and AJ “Elevator Fart” Lipka began phase 319 of the evil plan by refereeing a game and making calls that were sure to make someone upset. It worked. Those teams’ day: ruined.
It was time to take the field and Captain Brett destroyed a player on the blue team in a chug off. Blue ninja’s day: ruined.
The team in black executed an unparalleled defensive strategy that one onlooker described as “unholy.” On offense, INGTKI was nearly unstoppable. Both Captain Brett and Daniel “You may NOT touch my beard” Linn kicked uncatchable homeruns that soared over the aloof outfielder’s head. Left fielder’s day: ruined.
The incredible gameplay culminated in an 11-0 victory for It’s Not Going To Kick Itself over Liquor Balls. As the losing team sulked off the field they were mocked for having a stupid name. Liquor Balls’ day: double ruined.
The dark team then set out to Rex Lounge and laid down a dominating bombardment of the flip cup table, leaving undefeated. Flip cup opposition’s day: ruined.
Hysterical laughter bellowed from the headquarters of INGTKI as the team in black reminisced on the perfect execution of their plan.
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