Emergency Exit Row Seats

I walked down the jet bridge and glanced down at my ticket to double-check my seat assignment. *10D Exit* I shuffled to my seat over the wing, stowed my carry-on and claimed my spot next to a friendly, smiling couple. After a quick greeting, they informed me that they were flying to Denver to celebrate their 65^th wedding anniversary. He was 90 and she was 89 years old. 

I smiled and congratulated them but my initial thought was not of admiration, but of: “They are seated in an exit row!! How in the hell are they going to assist during an emergency?!” 

I don’t dislike old people, I just don’t think they should be responsible for roughly 1/6^th of the lives on the plane in the event of an emergency as this particular aircraft had 6 emergency exits. 

People seated in the exit row are now required to verbally confirm that they are able to assist other passengers should the laws of physics decide to pull a fast one on the 737 and cause the jet to plummet from the sky and end up surrounded by twisted, burning shards of metal. (Rethinking flying in flip-flops?) The flight attendant went through her this-is-what-you-do-if-you-survive-the-fiery-crash spiel.  She then turned to the village elders as they were paging through the Sky Mall in amazement of the upside-down tomato garden and asked if they were “Ready, willing and able to assist in the time of an emergency.” They simultaneously responded, “Absolutely!” ABSOLUTELY?!  Liars!!! I seriously doubt that either of them could lift a 40 pound door and THROW it clear of the wing.

The adorable airline employee might as well have asked, “Are you able to do a handstand while dribbling a basketball and updating your facebook status?” ...because no. They wouldn't be able to do that.