How to travel without pissing everyone off

Along with the holiday season comes crowded airports, full flights and hotels at capacity. This handy reference is meant to assist those that don't travel often.

Arriving at the airport:

• Just pick a parking spot. There is no need to circle the lot several times in hopes that a sacred parking spot will appear like the Room of Requirement (this is a good tip for life in general).
• If you're checking a bag, don't be shocked and make a scene if your bag exceeds the weight limit (50 pounds) and you are required to pay an additional fee. You are the one that over packed. Deal with it.

Security:

• Yep. The line is long. Deal with it.
• While waiting in line, begin putting your cell phone, watch, keys and change into your carry-on. This will save you some time once you reach the scanner. The line is still long. We get it. Get over it.
• Have your ID and boarding pass ready to show the TSA agent. Don't fumble around looking for things once you reach the front of the line. This is not a surprise inspection.
• Once you reach the conveyor belt:
• Take off your shoes. Yes. Take off your shoes. This has been a rule since 2001. Don't act shocked.
• You may place your shoes directly on the belt. Your shoes do NOT need their own bin.
• Your bag does NOT need its own bin.
• Your laptop goes into a bin BY ITSELF.
• If you realize that you accidentally brought a water bottle, throw it away. Don't hold up the line to drink the rest of it before you pass through

At the gate:

• Check your ticket. You're in seating area 3. They just called seating area 1. Stop standing around the gate blocking other passengers.
• Don't be shocked if someone tries to get by you to get on the plane. They aren't being rude, you are in the way.

On the plane:

• The armrest goes down. Use the armrest if you want. I don't give a shit, but the armrest definitely goes down. It helps establish an official boundary of your sacred 17.2" of seat width.
• Wearing headphones or reading a book are the official symbols of "do not talk to me." If the person next to you is reading a book, don't grin like an idiot and say, "Business or pleasure?"
• The flight attendant is right. I don't care if you think the flight attendant is being an asshole, put your seat up for takeoff. I'm behind you and the slightest bump will drive my forehead into the back of your skull...something that I imagine would be unpleasant for both of us.
• Yes, you have every right to recline your seat and it is understood. However, before you press the button and slam your seat back to its full 3" decline position, please look behind you. The guy in the seat behind you might be on his laptop and a quick warning could prevent you from snapping his monitor.
• Alcoholic beverages cost money. They aren't as cheap on the plane as they are at the bar by your house. We get it. Please get over it.
• A small child just boarded the plane. There is no need to elbow your neighbor, sigh loudly and say, "Ugh! Every time!" Chances are, you won't even notice the child.
• A baby is crying on the plane. Get over it. Whining about it, spinning around in your seat to locate the kid and loudly whispering, "Shut that baby up!" is much more annoying than the baby just being a baby. 

Retrieving luggage:

• It takes a while. Get over it.
• If you see your bag on the carousel, there is no need to shove your way closer to it. Your bag will miraculously make it to you.

At the hotel:

• There is someone in the next room and, while it may be unintentional, they can hear you. I don't know, maybe that's why you were being so loud.
• Don't use the in-room coffee maker. It has most likely been used as a urine receptacle at some point.

That's it. Travel safe! Oh, and put the map away. You look like an idiot.