Given that the zoo in my hometown was of the grocery store parking lot "petting" variety, the first elephant I ever saw was at the circus. Today, if I want to see an exotic animal, I can just pull up a video online. Want to see an elephant sticking his trunk up another elephant's butt? Search YouTube. The circus was exciting because that was the only all-inclusive place where one could experience exotic animals, death-defying acts and overpriced plastic light-up swords that got taken away because my little brother didn't think it was as funny as I did when I hit him in the face with it. The circus today sucks. If someone is going to wear a safety harness to do a cartwheel, I'm not going to lean forward in my chair nervously driving my elbows into my shaking knees while covering my face with my hands because I'm too overwhelmed with the anticipation of what could happen next (like I did when I watched "My Best Friend's Wedding"). I blame overexposure to the dipshits backyard wrestling with barbwire-wrapped folding chairs.
Here are a few things that I find more entertaining than "The Greatest Show On Earth."
Quoting Ferris Bueller while pulling away from the rental car lot - {Doooo oh oh}...If you had a car like this, would you take it back right away? {Chick} Neither would I. {Chickachickaaahhhhhhh}
Armpit farting - It usually takes a while to find the sweet spot, but once you do, you will be warming up with "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and finishing with a stirring rendition of "O Canada."
Creating a Paper Air Force - The citizens of Hampton Inn Room 308-ica can rest easy tonight knowing that are 23 somewhat uncrinkled paper airplanes with varying sizes and functionality scattered random...errr...strategically throughout the area.
A nose pimple - This is not a pleasant experience, but it certainly can be entertaining. That zit will take up a whole afternoon as you try to find a private place to weep openly as you jam your thumb up your nostril and try to pop that little fucker.
Practicing spit-takes to radio commercials - "Macy's One Day Sale is this Saturday only." "PPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBFFFFFFFFTT!! WHAT?!"
Go see the circus if you want, but you'll just come home and wish you had spent the evening perfecting "The Ride of the Valkyries" on the armpitfartophone.
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