Circus Minimus

Today I saw a billboard advertising a circus coming to town. The Greatest Show on Earth? Squirrel piss.

Given that the zoo in my hometown was of the grocery store parking lot "petting" variety, the first elephant I ever saw was at the circus. Today, if I want to see an exotic animal, I can just pull up a video online. Want to see an elephant sticking his trunk up another elephant's butt? Search YouTube. The circus was exciting because that was the only all-inclusive place where one could experience exotic animals, death-defying acts and overpriced plastic light-up swords that got taken away because my little brother didn't think it was as funny as I did when I hit him in the face with it. The circus today sucks. If someone is going to wear a safety harness to do a cartwheel, I'm not going to lean forward in my chair nervously driving my elbows into my shaking knees while covering my face with my hands because I'm too overwhelmed with the anticipation of what could happen next (like I did when I watched "My Best Friend's Wedding"). I blame overexposure to the dipshits backyard wrestling with barbwire-wrapped folding chairs.

Here are a few things that I find more entertaining than "The Greatest Show On Earth."

Quoting Ferris Bueller while pulling away from the rental car lot - {Doooo oh oh}...If you had a car like this, would you take it back right away? {Chick} Neither would I. {Chickachickaaahhhhhhh}

Armpit farting - It usually takes a while to find the sweet spot, but once you do, you will be warming up with "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and finishing with a stirring rendition of "O Canada."

Creating a Paper Air Force - The citizens of Hampton Inn Room 308-ica can rest easy tonight knowing that are 23 somewhat uncrinkled paper airplanes with varying sizes and functionality scattered random...errr...strategically throughout the area.

A nose pimple - This is not a pleasant experience, but it certainly can be entertaining. That zit will take up a whole afternoon as you try to find a private place to weep openly as you jam your thumb up your nostril and try to pop that little fucker.

Practicing spit-takes to radio commercials - "Macy's One Day Sale is this Saturday only." "PPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBFFFFFFFFTT!! WHAT?!"

Go see the circus if you want, but you'll just come home and wish you had spent the evening perfecting "The Ride of the Valkyries" on the armpitfartophone.

How to travel without pissing everyone off

Along with the holiday season comes crowded airports, full flights and hotels at capacity. This handy reference is meant to assist those that don't travel often.

Arriving at the airport:

• Just pick a parking spot. There is no need to circle the lot several times in hopes that a sacred parking spot will appear like the Room of Requirement (this is a good tip for life in general).
• If you're checking a bag, don't be shocked and make a scene if your bag exceeds the weight limit (50 pounds) and you are required to pay an additional fee. You are the one that over packed. Deal with it.

Security:

• Yep. The line is long. Deal with it.
• While waiting in line, begin putting your cell phone, watch, keys and change into your carry-on. This will save you some time once you reach the scanner. The line is still long. We get it. Get over it.
• Have your ID and boarding pass ready to show the TSA agent. Don't fumble around looking for things once you reach the front of the line. This is not a surprise inspection.
• Once you reach the conveyor belt:
• Take off your shoes. Yes. Take off your shoes. This has been a rule since 2001. Don't act shocked.
• You may place your shoes directly on the belt. Your shoes do NOT need their own bin.
• Your bag does NOT need its own bin.
• Your laptop goes into a bin BY ITSELF.
• If you realize that you accidentally brought a water bottle, throw it away. Don't hold up the line to drink the rest of it before you pass through

At the gate:

• Check your ticket. You're in seating area 3. They just called seating area 1. Stop standing around the gate blocking other passengers.
• Don't be shocked if someone tries to get by you to get on the plane. They aren't being rude, you are in the way.

On the plane:

• The armrest goes down. Use the armrest if you want. I don't give a shit, but the armrest definitely goes down. It helps establish an official boundary of your sacred 17.2" of seat width.
• Wearing headphones or reading a book are the official symbols of "do not talk to me." If the person next to you is reading a book, don't grin like an idiot and say, "Business or pleasure?"
• The flight attendant is right. I don't care if you think the flight attendant is being an asshole, put your seat up for takeoff. I'm behind you and the slightest bump will drive my forehead into the back of your skull...something that I imagine would be unpleasant for both of us.
• Yes, you have every right to recline your seat and it is understood. However, before you press the button and slam your seat back to its full 3" decline position, please look behind you. The guy in the seat behind you might be on his laptop and a quick warning could prevent you from snapping his monitor.
• Alcoholic beverages cost money. They aren't as cheap on the plane as they are at the bar by your house. We get it. Please get over it.
• A small child just boarded the plane. There is no need to elbow your neighbor, sigh loudly and say, "Ugh! Every time!" Chances are, you won't even notice the child.
• A baby is crying on the plane. Get over it. Whining about it, spinning around in your seat to locate the kid and loudly whispering, "Shut that baby up!" is much more annoying than the baby just being a baby. 

Retrieving luggage:

• It takes a while. Get over it.
• If you see your bag on the carousel, there is no need to shove your way closer to it. Your bag will miraculously make it to you.

At the hotel:

• There is someone in the next room and, while it may be unintentional, they can hear you. I don't know, maybe that's why you were being so loud.
• Don't use the in-room coffee maker. It has most likely been used as a urine receptacle at some point.

That's it. Travel safe! Oh, and put the map away. You look like an idiot.

You guys have plans?

This past Saturday, my dad called and asked if Sarah and I had any plans for Christmas. We told him that we'd planned on staying in Denver. He then asked, "Hey, wanna go to Panama?" He confessed that he had not looked into flights or hotels, was unsure of the country's primary language, and knew nothing more about the area other than the existence of a canal of some sort. I had to ask. "Dad, why Panama?"

My dad has two great passions in life. This first is taking a random idea and running with it. When I was in high school, he decided to open an oil change/mechanic shop. Since my father was somewhat familiar with the locations of both the glove compartment and the hood release on his 10 year old Mazda, this was an obvious business venture. Lipka's Kwik Kar Hwy 6 North opened in 1996. My dad came in every Saturday to offer advice on how to keep the shop as clean as possible. Ideas such as "Try not to get any oil on the floor" were met with nods of approval and mumblings of "Great idea, boss. Wish we'd have though of that." The shop was successful and sold for a profit in 2000.

A few years later, he chose real estate as his next project. This was before HGTV began airing episodes of "Ew, This Kitchen is Soooo Dated" and "These Drapes Just Won't Do," so his jaunt into flipping houses came prior to it becoming a trend. Again, my father proved to be successful. He retired from his primary career in the oil and gas industry and has started a home building business to keep from driving my mom insane (it's kind of working).

The other aspect of life that brings my dad the greatest joy? Puns. A few years ago, he took my mom and brother to Belize for a week. Pretty cool, right? But why did he choose Belize? We think it was just so he could tell my mom, "We're going on vacation. You better BELIZE it." Any time our family dined out at a seafood restaurant offering halibut, my dad would light up like a five year old that just discovered bubble wrap. He would unsuccessfully suppress a grin as he ordered, "Oh, what the heck. I'll have the special...JUST FOR THE HALIBUT." He will also undoubtedly instruct the waiter at a sushi restaurant to, "Sake it to me!" This does not get old for him.

As excited as I was to go on vacation, I was overrun with curiosity. "Seriously, Dad. Why Panama?" I could hear my dad's smile over the line as he said, "Should I call my brother [my Uncle Allen] and ask Panama if 'AL CAN' come?" The line fell silent as he waited for what was sure to be uproarious laughter from my end.
"Dad?"
"Yeah?" He chuckled.
"'Ask Panama if Al can come?'"
"Crap! I meant..."
"Dork."
Undaunted, he went for a second attempt and giggled, "Hey, Panama! Can Al come?!"

He followed that with hiccuping laughter and desperate attempts to catch his breath through fits of involuntary, high-pitched squeals.

Panama should be fun. I hope he comes up with a pun for Munich.

Emergency Exit Row Seats

I walked down the jet bridge and glanced down at my ticket to double-check my seat assignment. *10D Exit* I shuffled to my seat over the wing, stowed my carry-on and claimed my spot next to a friendly, smiling couple. After a quick greeting, they informed me that they were flying to Denver to celebrate their 65^th wedding anniversary. He was 90 and she was 89 years old. 

I smiled and congratulated them but my initial thought was not of admiration, but of: “They are seated in an exit row!! How in the hell are they going to assist during an emergency?!” 

I don’t dislike old people, I just don’t think they should be responsible for roughly 1/6^th of the lives on the plane in the event of an emergency as this particular aircraft had 6 emergency exits. 

People seated in the exit row are now required to verbally confirm that they are able to assist other passengers should the laws of physics decide to pull a fast one on the 737 and cause the jet to plummet from the sky and end up surrounded by twisted, burning shards of metal. (Rethinking flying in flip-flops?) The flight attendant went through her this-is-what-you-do-if-you-survive-the-fiery-crash spiel.  She then turned to the village elders as they were paging through the Sky Mall in amazement of the upside-down tomato garden and asked if they were “Ready, willing and able to assist in the time of an emergency.” They simultaneously responded, “Absolutely!” ABSOLUTELY?!  Liars!!! I seriously doubt that either of them could lift a 40 pound door and THROW it clear of the wing.

The adorable airline employee might as well have asked, “Are you able to do a handstand while dribbling a basketball and updating your facebook status?” ...because no. They wouldn't be able to do that.