The end of days

"O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

Maybe Nostradamus predicted this. Maybe the Mayans were right. Maybe the first of the Seven Seals has been broken and the White Horseman is upon us. Maybe the great titan, Atlas, has grown tired and will toss Earth aside like that time you were helping your buddy move and he told you, "Man, I forgot to hit the ATM, would you mind grabbing some beer?" and you unshouldered the box labeled "collectibles" into the hot tub.

Whether the Frenchman's, Mayan's, Christian's, Greek's or any other definition of the apocalypse fits your beliefs, I might have overheard the beginning: "O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

The flight from Denver to Omaha on a Monday morning is usually filled with frequent business travelers and a few families heading home. It was in this few that I discovered the person that I have feared meeting. As I waited for the gate agent to start boarding the flight, not unexpectedly, several people began crowding the boarding area, assuming their tickets declaring "seating area 4" meant they would board before seating area 1. In the middle of this particular group, seemingly indifferent to her surroundings, was Kate.

Wearing skinny jeans, blue sunglasses and a pink Ramones t-shirt, Kate was the kind of person that owns a Justin Bieber poster and has no idea that Sheena is a punk rocker. She stood, surrounded by her parents and two younger brothers, talking on her bedazzled iphone and shifting her weight from one Ugg to the other. Teenage Kate spoke to her dad with perpetually rolling eyes and focused all of her attention on the person on the other end of her 3G connection. She impatiently stared at the ceiling and flicked her fingernails as the person on the other end told a story. When the tale ended, she responded, "O-M-G. L-O-L. You are so funny."

Kate neither said this ironically nor sarcastically. And I totally get the "O-M-G" thing. I've watched a total of 6 minutes and 23 seconds of Gossip Girl and know that this is sort of normal...infuriatingly annoying, but normal. However, she was genuinely amused by the story. Instead of giving the courtesy laugh ("hahahaha...'working hard or hardly working.' Funny every time, cubicle neighbor"), she said "L-O-L."  Is this necessary?

I understand abbreviation. I abbreviate my own name...awesomely. Many years ago, while working together at Cinco Ranch Golf Course, my friend Jay told me, "Brevity is key." He's right, but Kate is a nimrod. Is she over-abbreviating? Where do we draw the line?

Kate's conversation might just mark the beginning of the end. But maybe not. I think if we start under-abbreviating, it could counteract her atrocities.

Semicolon, close parenthesis.

How to prepare for the drought

The sports fan looks forward to the Super Bowl with impassioned anticipation, not necessarily worried about the outcome, but desiring to watch a popular sporting event. He is most likely the same sports fan that knows the basic rules of all of the major sports (including soccer) and will watch the games attentively. Sure, one of the teams playing might be the home team, adding the much sought-after rooting interest, but it isn't necessary to make him tune in and cheer. Bringing water cooler conversation starters like "Did you see that catch last night?" and "When are they going to fire that prima donna?" are what is expected of one of these fans.

But what happens after the Super Bowl? To the sports fan: a dry spell.

The gap between the Super Bowl (2/6/11) and the start of the NCAA tournament (3/15/11) is a bummer for the devoted viewer. This is the time of year with the fewest televised sporting events. Of course there are games to be watched, but these viewers will be switching back and forth between regular season hockey and basketball. ("But AJ, things could be worse. I like watching...") Shut up. I'm trying to help.

But do not despair! This message was not intended to depress, but to inform. What should the sports fan do with these 37 days? I have some ideas.

Learn to do a handstand - If you already know how to do one, fashion yourself a medal made out of I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. If you're not a braggart, wouldn't it be cool to one day just think, "I feel like doing a handstand" and then do one?! Everyone watching will be impressed and doors will open for you (probably just those sliding ones in front of Walgreens though). [I cannot do a handstand.]

Learn how to do that water drip sound that Cameron makes in Ferris Bueller's Day Off - This will provide seconds upon tens of seconds of entertainment when you unmute your phone during a conference call, make the sound and attempt to stifle your giggles.

Balance your checkbook - HAHAHA! Just kidding, nerd.

Watch The Godfather (all of them) - You know you've been putting it off. Find out what all of the fuss is. Understand more of the jokes on Family Guy. You can't lose here.

Gamble on Antiques Roadshow - I know! There is no way that tea kettle and spoon could POSSIBLY be worth $8,000 but you had the under. Pay up.

Play Guitar Hero - You know people who are pretty good at this game. You've been over to a buddy's house and watched your friend look totally bad ass wielding his plastic axe (not a euphemism...this time). Wouldn't it be rad to join the button-clicking fiesta and not look dumb while doing it? [I suck at Guitar Hero]

Learn to knit - I don't know. This is mostly directed at my wife because I want some fucking mittens.

Master the art of putting on your hat in creative ways - A couple of flips in the hand, a toss around the back, caught on the foot and flipped onto your head?! Instant applause and admiration.

Solve a Rubik's Cube - Nevermind. This is hard.

Peel the stickers off a Rubik's Cube and reattach them well enough to give the illusion of solving the puzzle without cheating - SUCCESS!

Hopefully this will get you through until March Madness. I wish you the best of luck and hope these activities help maintain your desire to live.

Why you don't like me

Ever had that person that just doesn't like you? If you're like me, it doesn't happen very often and, despite your best efforts, you cannot change that person's mind. He or she just gives you the cold shoulder all of the time. I have figured it out. Your reason will most likely be different than mine but I have figured out why some people just don't like me. Read no further if you'd care to remain ignorant of my superior abilities.

I just walked into the room. You look over your shoulder and assess my persona. Within a fraction of a second, you have judged my clothes, my hair, my demeanor, my walk, my shoes, my net worth and my hobbies. You have decided not to like me. Even though you cannot describe just what it is about me, your choice has been made. Befriending you will be an uphill struggle for me.

Why? I know.

I'm not better looking than you. That you can already tell.

You've also noticed that I'm married. I am basically an asexual being entering the room. I am in no way a threat to you.

You've sized me up and know that you could kick my ass. I'm okay with this. I have never been in a fight and don't plan on starting with you.

I don't make more money than you. You realize this after looking at my jeans and deducing the fact that I didn't buy them with the mustard stain and missing belt loop.

I need a haircut. This doesn't really bother you, but I totally do.

So, what is it then? Why, upon first glance, do you not care for me?

I've never had a hangover. Ever.

It's certainly not from lack of effort.

Somehow your superior skills of observation have determined that I have never experienced that which you so loathe. The reason you passed on the tequila shots was so you could function tomorrow. Not me. I'll be up much later than you and will wake up before you do. I might sleep on the floor snuggling a traffic cone, but I'll be the first one up, cleaning dishes and preparing coffee.

Please don't hate me for it. I didn't ask for this superpower.