The Four Lokos

I'm a coffee drinker. So naturally, it was only a matter of time before I experienced a Four Loko. [Four Loko, for you Spanish speakers out there, is spelled "Four Loko." Get past your spelling issues and follow along.] Four Loko is a 12% alcohol by volume energy drink served in a convenient 23.5 ounce can. That basically equates to 6 beers and 4 cups of coffee. I know! Rad, right?!

A few weeks ago, Sarah and I listened intently as our friends Jeff and Emily regaled us with the tale of Jeff's first and only Four Loko experience. His story included mystery, intrigue and made-up words like "drizzunk."
"I must try this stuff," I expressed.
"No you don't," Sarah answered.
"You totally should," Emily suggested.
"YUP!" Jeff recommended.

Last Sunday we got home and found a brown paper bag adorned with a hastily tied yellow ribbon resting on our front porch. I tore through the thoughtful wrapping to find a Lemonade Four Loko inside. "This is the universe repaying me for being awesome," I thought.  Knowing that Jeff might have been behind the mysterious gift, I elected to not drink the whole thing at 9 am on a Sunday and decided to save the fun until the upcoming party on Friday.

[Friday arrives]

Jeff and Emily came over to our house and I proudly announced with a flourish that my evening will start with a [da da da daaaa] Four Loko! Sarah rolled her eyes, Jeff fist pumped and Emily grinned maniacally. After my first sip, it was incredibly apparent that there actually are four lokos and Jeff was willing to help define them.

The first loko: The taste. Even straight out of the fridge, it burns. The Four Loko hits your palette like the cheap scotch that you found in your garage in August. Then the taste changes. It becomes foot. Perhaps I grew accustomed to the overwhelming sting of alcohol, or perhaps the flavor changes once the beverage has had a chance to breathe. Either way, it tastes like foot. Don't try to read into this and think, "Maybe it's a foot that has just been bathed in lemon water and lovingly toweled dry with Egyptian cotton." It's not that kind of foot. It just tastes like foot.

The second loko:  Loss of confidence. Thoughts of "I don't think I can finish this" and "I don't want to drink any more of this footy crap" will begin to overrun your mind. Don't give in, though. You have two more lokos to experience!

The third loko: Disappointment. It didn't taste that good. You've muscled your way through 23.5 ounces of intimidation and the end result was...meh. You're not that intoxicated and the caffeine isn't that strong. What a waste of time. Oh well, just move on to the beer.

The fourth loko: HEY! YOU GUYS WANNA PLAY A DRINKING GAME OR..I KNOW...LET'S GET ON TO THE ROOF!! Dude. It happens and it happens big. Four Loko is the instigator of instigators and the cause of awesome (read: horrible) ideas. My night ended with gambling at 4 am and mixing drinks with stolen oranges.

I plan to try the other flavors soon.