Cubs in Denver

Last Sunday, I went to the Chicago Cubs versus Colorado Rockies game in Denver. A few things I should note: I drink at baseball games, I yell at baseball games, and people in Chicago agree with my actions.

Not so much in Colorado.

A Cubs fan wearing a Ryne Sandberg jersey while drinking during a game at family-friendly Coors Field discovers the following things:

There are a lot of kids at this game - They are everywhere. There were 2 seated behind me and 6 on the row of 20 seats where we were sitting.

Rockies fans do not cheer very loudly or passionately, but they will "boo" an obnoxious Cubs fan - Seriously. They aren't as disinterested as Rangers fans, but they are close. At one point the Rockies pulled together a pretty miraculous double play and I think I heard a guy behind home plate clap. Of course he might have just been keeping time with the big screen in center field that tells fans when to cheer. The operators of the big screen actually have to tell these fans to cheer. If you are attending a game and you see "LOUD" or "NOISE" appear on the big screen, you should feel ashamed that you are watching that screen instead of your team.

They do the wave - As a rule, you shouldn't do the wave. It's embarrassing. You look really dumb doing it and it is too obvious that you aren't even watching the game. When you cheer louder for a wave that goes all the way around the stadium than you did when someone stole third base, you deserve to be banned for life from any live event. Anyone who participates in a wave is an awful sports fan.

Making fun of Todd Helton's facial hair will increase the frequency of the boos - Good hecklers have two basic rules: No family and no cussing. Making fun of someone's family is just hurtful and cussing will get you thrown out of the stadium. So, making fun of someone for having a badger on his face is a good way to get his attention. Also, when Todd Helton hits a fly ball and everyone stands up to cheer only to sit down disappointed when it is caught in center field, shouting, "Ahhh, you guys got soooo excited! Now you must be sad!" Will cause more boos.

There are a shitload of children at this game - When I was a child going to games, I never realised that a baseball game is hardly the place for a 10 year old. I taught our neighbors some neat words, though. You're welcome, parents.

If it took me to get those people in the stands excited to see there first place team do well, then I'm alright with that. I can only imagine how quiet that section would have been had I not been just drunk enough to be bulletproof without spilling my beer. The Cubs lost that day, but that's ok. I'm sort of used to it by now.

Coors Field is an amazing venue and I greatly recommend seeing any game there. Beers are (somewhat) affordable and the Rockies are a great team. So, get out for an afternoon and enjoy the nice weather this summer.

Evil + Spring kickball = Sprevilball

Well, my evil brethren and sistren, I believe we’re ready.” Said Captain Brett “Darnell” Stanilka said to the team in black. The rest of the team howled with laughter.

The plan: ruin as many people’s days as possible. The entire day was planned to the millisecond like a riverdance of fucking evil. Jeff “Toaster Oven” Evans and Emily “The girl from The Snug’s homepage” Berman arrived at the Rockies’ opening day. Here is where the plan really began to unfold. First, they drank heavily, all the while feigning interest in the game. But, get this, they didn’t actually care about the outcome! Oh man, were people pissed to hear that. Fan’s days: ruined. Evans checked his demonic phone’s clock (fashioned out of brimstone and other outdated technology) and saw that it was time to depart for the kickball grounds. Berman prepared herself for the next step in the plan.

As Jeff set out for kickball, Emily denied a cab driver the chance to continue rubbing her foot. Cabbie’s day: ruined.

At the Cuernavaca Park, Captain Brett and AJ “Elevator Fart” Lipka began phase 319 of the evil plan by refereeing a game and making calls that were sure to make someone upset. It worked. Those teams’ day: ruined.

It was time to take the field and Captain Brett destroyed a player on the blue team in a chug off. Blue ninja’s day: ruined.

The team in black executed an unparalleled defensive strategy that one onlooker described as “unholy.” On offense, INGTKI was nearly unstoppable. Both Captain Brett and Daniel “You may NOT touch my beard” Linn kicked uncatchable homeruns that soared over the aloof outfielder’s head. Left fielder’s day: ruined.

The incredible gameplay culminated in an 11-0 victory for It’s Not Going To Kick Itself over Liquor Balls. As the losing team sulked off the field they were mocked for having a stupid name. Liquor Balls’ day: double ruined.

The dark team then set out to Rex Lounge and laid down a dominating bombardment of the flip cup table, leaving undefeated. Flip cup opposition’s day: ruined.

Hysterical laughter bellowed from the headquarters of INGTKI as the team in black reminisced on the perfect execution of their plan.