Week 1:
A harmonious and precisely timed chorus of “WE ARE…YOUR MOM!” is crooned from deep within the Rocky Mountains and triggers hidden steel gears to whirr, slide into place and open the main door. Gliding down the fabled ancient staircase and passing with absolute ease through Your Mom’s musky V.A.G.I.N.A. (Vast And Grassy Idyllic Natural Archway), Your Mom makes her way toward the exit. The faint *KRI-TING* of a kickball bouncing on cretaceous rock echoes through the corridors as the assembled deities, collectively forming Your Mom, approach the pony-shaped doorway. [Look, we asked the guy to make it shaped like a lion poised for attack but it sort of looks like a pony, OK?]
Arriving at the kickball grounds, the team falls into a precise formation and promptly disposes of the Ballstars, a formidable opponent, 14-4. Your Mom, disciplined and polished, knows that more competition lies only moments away. The masses shout to the opposition, “BE GONE WITH YOU!” as Your Mom vanquishes one foe after another on a sticky and hastily prepared flip cup table. Victorious, strikingly beautiful and sort of hungry, Your Mom retires back into her mystic cave in the mountains to prepare for next week.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Don’t let your goldfish do your homework for you as it will be almost entirely illegible.
Week 2
An Irish green eagle circles, unnoticed, thousands of feet above the kickball grounds. A bolt of lightning rips across the purple sky and the eagle folds her wings into a high speed dive. Still accelerating, the majestic bird strikes the earth just as a crack of thunder booms through the city. While the impact’s shockwave spreads throughout LoDo, Your Mom appears in the bird’s stead. With eyes ablaze with concentration and breath saturated with alcohol, Your Mom charges the field. Brilliant offensive and defensive strategies were surgically laid into place by the marvelous captain, resulting in a 13-1 victory over Afternoon Delights.
After another successful evening of humbling opponents at the flipcup table, the masterful kickball combatants depart back to their recondite cave in the mountains. As the entrance to the cavern nears, Your Mom’s huge B.O.O.B.S. (Big, Ornate, Owl-shaped Bronze Statues) appear on the horizon. The owls symbolize Your Mom’s infinite wisdom. Visitors to this site are known to stand and stare at Your Mom’s hooters for hours.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Do not wear salad dressing as a hat unless you are being ironic.
Week 3
Dizzying displays of diamond-dashing defense secured Your Mom’s victory over 24 Man Wolfpack. The fielding charge started in the first inning as Liz “Cirque du” Indart showed off her innate acrobatic ability at second base. She dived, whirled and delivered precise throws to all of her intended targets. Calls of “I GOT IT!” from the outfield were cleverly disregarded by other players in a successful attempt to befuddle Your Mom’s opponents. Millennia from now, once the Earth has recovered from its impending housecat uprising, paintings will resurface that colorfully depict the defensive prowess of Your Mom on that great day.
After the victory, the players decided that a vacation to their hideout in Arizona would be refreshing, so the kickballers spent a relaxing weekend in Your Mom’s hot, sweaty Cave UnderNeath Tempe.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Eating a hotdog without using your hands, while sanitary, can send mixed signals to passers-by.
Week 4
Deep in the Rocky Mountains a crowd gathers, staring at Your Mom’s C.O.O.C.H. (Ceremonial Outdoor, Outlandish Cougar Hopa). The singers from
The Lion King chime in with a harmonious “Hohmmmmmmm” and 30 decorated drums are pounded rhythmically, in accordance to the tradition. A cougar has been born. The pageantry climaxes with the customary keg and pinata being carried down the mountain atop the muscular shoulders of pool boys and tennis pros.
The festivities continue as Your Mom staggers onto the kickball field to battle Just For Kicks. Lissa “All My Accents Sound Asian” Mokrohisky shows off her defensive skills with a miraculous grab in the outfield. “Mustang” Hallie Myers, celebrating something or other, manages to score two runs and own a keg stand. All the pomp results in an 11-1 victory for Your Mom.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: When life hands you lemons, use the zest for a lame Rachel Ray recipe, take a shot of bourbon, chug a beer and throw away the rest of the stupid, worthless lemon.
Week 5
Last week was a good week for Your Mom. The class she is teaching, “English for Morons: Grammar and the Social Networktard,” has had record attendance during her four-part lesson on the differences between “its and it’s,” and “your and you’re.” While the majority of Facebook users insist that egregious spelling errors are acceptable and somehow endearing, Your Mom will not stand for such atrocities.
In addition to educating nimrods, Your Mom took some time to grace the kickball field to face Random Play. Amazingly displaying strength, stamina, inebriation, patriotism, sleevlessness and fundamentals, Your Mom’s domination resulted in a 12-0 victory. Brett "Darnell" Stanilka even managed to pitch a strike out as three straight pitches zipped over the plate for called strikes.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Perseverance is a virtue. Just because you have vomited on both your shirt and shoes, doesn’t mean that the flipcup table is just going to dominate itself. Get back in the game and flip those cups!
Week 6
As many of you know, last week Your Mom began filming the new reality show, “Gods Among Us.” This show will chronicle the lives and adventures of the kickball giants. The producers of the show suggested the team forgo their traditional, eccentric transportation medium (such as the rocket tank) and take public transportation with the idea that it would make better television. This did not go over well. The team left their hidden cave in the mountains via taxi and caught RTD’s #16 bus to the kickball field. En route, several other passengers sustained debilitating injuries during a particularly raucous practice round of flipcup. Ensuing lawsuits are expected to bankrupt the reality show’s producers and filming has been suspended indefinitely.
On the kickball diamond, the damp weather resulted in a muddy field, but Your Mom was buzzed enough not to notice. Battling That’s What She Said, Your Mom managed a 13-2 victory and parlayed the winning attitude onto the flipcup tables and dominated the evening.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Always be punctual. Showing up late to happy hour will seriously affect your ability to reach sufficient levels of inebriation before 7 pm.
Week 7
While going over fundamental kickball strategies and trading casserole recipes in their hidden cave deep in the Rockies, the members of Your Mom heard an ear-splitting crash resonate from the upper observatory. Rushing up the stairs, the team discovered that their high-powered telescope, said to have been designed by Galileo Galilei himself, lay tragically bent and shattered on the Irish green tile floor. Never again will some random dude using Your Mom’s MEAT SOCKET (Massively Expensive And Tactfully Stationed, Observational, Chrome-Knobbed, Expensive Telescope) be able to witness the size and scope of a black hole. Shouting obscenities, Captain Emily “EZ Eeee” Berman, climbed into her Hyundai (which is fueled by the crushed souls of those who ever dared oppose her in flip cup) and sped away in search of answers. Sensing that her absence might interfere with the kickball game, relief captain Jeff “Derek” Evans dutifully and heroically claimed the Captain’s Throne for the week.
Too distraught to concentrate on the game, Your Mom fell behind in runs to Where My Pitches At? in the early innings. However, as alcohol began to fog out the memory of their captain’s absence, the members of Your Mom began to fall into the athletic rhythm for which they are known and adored. With a respectable 8-3 victory over Where My Pitches At? in the books, Your Mom fell into the soft embrace of flip cup followed by karaoke and ultimately, vomit in the parking lotaoke.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Saying, “I like jazz,” is just like saying, “I’m a pretentious a-hole that does not share any common interests with you.”
Week 8
A 72-hour fireworks show signaled Captain Emily “EZ Eeee” Berman’s return to the hideout lair and hoards of people gathered at Your Mom’s poorly-maintained MEAT CURTAINS (Mystically Ethereal, Alabaster Theater Chairs Unearthed in Remote Tanzania And Ironically Not Stolen) to watch the spectacle. Preparing for their next opponent, Amanda “I’ll show YOU a string of #!%@ing obscenities” Weeks managed to incorporate interpretive dance into her weekly Advanced Fundamentals seminar that left all attendees weeping and awestruck. Sarah “Easy on the tonic, please” Lipka made traditional kalua pork to bring to…
A LUAU!! Maui came to Denver as 99 Problems but a Pitch Ain’t One joined Your Mom for a feast of Hawaiian proportions. Mai Tais, grass skirts, little paper umbrellas and a rain shower whipped all involved combatants into a frothing frenzy. Your Mom hustled to tally runs as 99 Problems proved to be a tenacious opponent. In a dramatic finish, Your Mom staggered away with a 6-5 victory. With an undefeated regular season in the books, the kickball legends begin training for the playoffs.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: If you are at a bar and overhear someone yell, “RAMMING SPEED!” prepare your camera phone to capture the events that follow.
Week 9
Your Mom had a strong showing in the regular season and did not want to disappoint her growing masses of admirers in the first round of the playoffs. So, not unpredictably, Your Mom got together with HER SLUTTY FRIEND (Haitian, Egomaniacal, Respected, Strong-Languaged, Utilitarian Teacher That Yells Fundamentally-Reliable Instructions, Educating Non-Dramatically) for some help playing the field. When those two get together, be advised that things do not typically end well for their prey. Your Mom has several STDs (Strong, Technical Defenders) and will always fill those that foolishly approach her with regret and remorse.
You Mom faced BAllstars in the first round of the playoffs and strode away with a 16-0 victory. Eclipsing all other incredible plays was Kelly “’Awesome’ is my middle name” Awesome Dodd’s unassisted double play to end the inning. After defeating BAllstars, Your Mom retired to her hidden cave in preparation to face Bayside next week.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Taking shots just prior to last call is not a good hangover cure, but taking shots prior to breakfast sure is.
Week 10
Your Mom had secretly hoped that a matchup with Bayside would occur this season and her wish was granted. The week before the big game, Bayside contemplated strategy, examined game films, and wishfully tossed coins into the empty fountain at DIA’s main terminal while Your Mom got ready by belatedly celebrating a tremendous regular season. Although the second round of the postseason was upon them, Your Mom remained awash with the glow of a first-round victory. It seemed that Your Mom’s GENITAL RASH [Grossly Egomaniacal, Never Intentional (Though Almost Laughable), Rotten And Scornful Hubris ] might have finally caught up to her.
Pride could have potentially cost Your Mom a victory but, alas, the team powered through. Bayside proved to be a prepared and fiery opponent, opening the first inning with an inspired offense and an impenetrable wall of defense. Your Mom’s confidence began to restore as Brett “Darnell” Stanilka pitched an incomparable THREE strikeouts. Your Mom managed to force extra innings and Sarah “LOOK AT THE SQUIRREL!” Lipka saved the game with a beautiful catch in the 8th inning. Kelly “On the first day, light was created by” Dodd scored the game-winning run in extra innings. That close call was an eye-opening experience for Your Mom and the team retired to their hidden cave in the mountains to diligently prepare for the final rounds next week.
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: Pizza rolls baked in an oven taste WAY better than those that have been microwaved.
Week 11
Sorrowful expressions overtook the faces of those in attendance as Thursday’s championship game came to a close. News of the fact that Your Mom had a HUGE DICK (Honorable, Undeniable, Graceful, Egregious Defeat In Co-ed Kickball) spread quickly and many admirers of the team wept. The Irish green cool kids of kickball were defeated in extra innings by the Upper Deckers.
AJ “Kickball? More like, DUCKball” Lipka, when asked how the team’s loss felt to him, replied, “Imagine you’re riding around in the backseat of a full Volkswagen Jetta with no air conditioning on a hot day and the windows are rolled up. Someone has shoved a dirty sock in your mouth while six other people are blasting ice cream farts with reckless abandon. Got it? Now imagine that the person on your left is randomly poking you in the forehead with an unsharpened pencil, the guy on your right is laughing at his own bad jokes, and you are fairly certain the driver is on mushrooms. Following me so far? Good. The car stops and you get out. Your eyes are stinging with tears and, just as you stretch to breathe in some fresh air through your now-snotty nose, someone swings a bucket full of filthy mop water that hits you square in the chest and takes your treasured breath away. It sort of feels like that.”
Your Mom certainly had a good time this year and [insert some sentimental bullshit].
Until next time kids, here’s some advice: When confronted with adversity, drink some grape-flavored vodka. You’ll feel much better.
